19 ways for soccer to become more popular in the U.S.

Soccer has had major trouble gaining traction as a spectator sport here in the United States. I'm not sure why. I mean who doesn't love a non-contact sport with scores around 2-1 and 1-0 where fans internationally tend to maim one other, as well as the police? Since I'm nothing if not helpful to those people in need of some assistance, I came up with 20 19 ways for soccer to get a stronger foothold in the consciousness of the American sporting public.

20. Find the most glamorous and famous soccer player in the world and contract with him to play soccer for an MLS team.

19. This one's easy. Fix it's international image by having it's fans stop stabbing, killing and rioting.

18. If you just can't pull that off, then just let people bring whatever weapon they want into the stadium. It'd make for great TV.

17. Let these guys do game analysis.



16. Change the name of the game to Human Foosball.

15. Don't EVER let this happen again... EVER...



14. Don't let this guy ever coach professional soccer again.



13. Hire these guys (or these guys) to handle all injuries.



12. Require all female soccer goals to be celebrated in this fashion.

11. Put the players in pads and helmets and let them hit and tackle each other.

10. Make Bianca Gascoigne the official spokesperson of soccer. Either her or Amanda Cicchini.

9. Hot female refs.

8. Even better... naked hot female referees.

7. If male referees are still allowed, let players hit them in the rocks when they disagree with them.



6. Score goals this fast every game.



5. More Ines Sainz.

4. Female streakers on the pitch every game.



6. Sign the homeless to play games.

5. Play the games, but just show the WAGs on TV.

4. Female soccer players in bikinis (or short skirts or bodypaint).



3. Even better.... topless female soccer players.



2. And a few more topless female soccer players wouldn't hurt.



1. Aw, hell, why stop there. Nekkid female soccer players would be the bomb.

If soccer follows these 19 suggestions, I have no doubt that withing a few short months, American sports fans will be tuning in to their matches and flocking to their stadiums in droves. Either that or just strap some binoculars on all the players. Glad I could help.