Top five NFL offseason moves that would be nigh

Nigh. It essentially means nice. Well, actually, it does mean "nice". Anywho, you can look that up for yourself. And because this place has been dripping with lesbian goo for the past few days, I thought I'd at least lob some sports action your way. Not that lesbian goo isn't cool. With that in mind, the top five free agent signings I would like to see this offseason, but that probably have no chance of happening.

5. Daunte Culpepper to the Vikings - Someone has to tutor Tavaris Jackson, right? And why not a player in the same mold as Jackson, except overrated and washed up? And by "tutor" I do in fact mean "teach how to wield a double ended dildo on the open ocean."

4. David Carr to HellBaltimore - Oh, nevermind. Brian Billick's gone. Hell will suffice then. Dood cost me a lot of time and pride last year.

3. Boss Bailey to the Broncos - Bailey and Bailey is the new Gumbel and Gumbel. Only much less white.

2. Asante Samuel to the Giants - Because f*ck Bill Belichick, that's why. And I enjoy irony.

1. Randy Moss to the Carolina Panthers - Actually, this one has a "decent" chance of happening. And by "decent I mean "double ended"...er, "one in five million".